Oh, What a Smile Can Do

I smiled while I was alone the other day. I was in the middle of my 5 hour drive home from my boyfriend’s parents’ house, and I smiled. It felt like it came out of nowhere, which made it feel even better. It served as a catalyst for recalling all of the good things going on in my life. For once, I was not focusing on my stifling car, hunger pangs or the traffic slowing me down. All too often, I catch myself focusing so much on the negatives of life that I overshadow all of the positives.

I have a family. Any adjective I put in front of family would probably change in the next week, day or hour. Sometimes we are close in all aspects of the word and other times we are close physically but not mentally or emotionally. For the most part we are supportive of each other. Needless to say, there are times we disagree with others’ choices and do not hold back from saying it. We argue, scream, fight, kick and yell at each other, but in the end, we know we are a family. I love them. They might not know it because I have a hell of a time showing it, but I do.

I have a loving boyfriend. I can say loving here because from day one his love for me has been so strong that I can almost feel it. He is my lover and my best friend. I want to talk to him before I get out of bed in the morning and while my eyes are closed at night. For some reason, though, I cannot seem to accept that. I find myself constantly challenging his love and questioning where it is coming from. I fear that he is the only person I want to talk to before I get out of bed in the morning and while my eyes are closed at night and… everything in between.

I have a sturdy foundation. I received my Bachelor’s degree a couple months ago. Next month I will start working on my PhD. I have morals and values. I can tell right from wrong. I know how to prioritize. I know how to communicate well via many different channels.

Early this morning I put together a ‘To Do’ list. For about 30 seconds I jotted down issues that I KNOW I need to work out. My list catalogs some of the things preventing me from embracing happiness. I am determined to cross them off as I get closer to my goal. In the meantime, I will continue chasing the highs of life and running from the lows.