If You're Psycho and You Know it Clap Your Hands

I determined to stop being a psycho girlfriend yesterday. It’s become another item to add to my ‘To Do’ list. My boyfriend and I have both been aware of my crazy tendencies for awhile now. I know when I am being one and I hate every second of it, yet I never try stopping myself before it’s too late. I wasn’t always like this with him. I used to make him laugh all the time. Yesterday I made him cry.

Our situation became even more complicated two months ago when we started a long distance relationship. After we graduated in May, he moved back with his parents while I stayed with mine. When we wanted to see each other, one of us had to drive almost 5 hours. Then, a few weeks ago he moved into his own apartment, which is even further away, and started graduate school. We have been lucky enough to see each other almost every weekend for the past two months. In exactly a month from now, I will be leaving for graduate school as well. Because I am a jackass, I choose a school on the East coast, causing me to leave the Midwest and everything I have ever known.

Almost as soon as I learned of my acceptance to Far Off University (FOU), Loverboy and I made plans for me to apply for a transfer to Big 10 University (BTU). In order to do so, I need to raise my scores on the GREs, both general and subject, and write an amazing personal statement. For awhile, I was studying my buns off. Recently, the studying has started to subside. During our phone conversations, he constantly brings up how everything is going to be wonderful once I get accepted to BTU and we can finally move in together. In my head that means…our relationship is riding on me. I need to do well on these tests and write that amazing personal statement, not only to get into BTU, but to keep our relationship together. What would happen if I don’t get accepted?

I can’t even remember how I made him cry yesterday. We were on the phone and of course I started tearing up because that’s just what I seem to do all the time. Somewhere in there, I mentioned something about missing ‘the feeling’. I mixed my thoughts up completely and said something along the lines of, “sometimes I don’t even feel like your girlfriend.” Big mistake. Eventually I got my point across that I miss watching him look at me like I am some sort of goddess from another world…the look that only a lover can give that makes a woman feel special. I miss that feeling. I want it back. I told him that we need to find a way to give each other those feelings without seeing each other. Of course I did not say any of that as clear as I just did so he took what I was saying as he’s a bad boyfriend and he does not try hard enough. How can I convince him that he is? He is a wonderful boyfriend that shows me nothing but love. It’s both of us that need to work on getting the feeling back.

Bottom line: I made Loverboy cry. I am a psycho girlfriend that needs to be stopped.