Running Backwards

Yesterday was a bad day. I knew it was going to be a bad day before I got out of bed. I woke up feeling the early symptoms of some lurking illness. It was too early for me to tell if I was getting a cold or the stomach flu. Yes, both have extremely different symptoms, but I really could not tell so I took a shot of orange juice then followed it with a dose of Pepto. As the day progressed I realized that it was in fact a cold. It's 80 degrees here!! How am I getting a cold? Then again, I seem to always get one in the summer so I can't be too shocked.

While I suffered through the day with my pre-cold, I took an in-class exam (aka my first "real" test in graduate school), taught a faux practice lesson in front of my peers, and paid my phone bill. I did not enjoy completing any of those tasks. As if I wasn't feeling low enough, one of my professors handed back a homework that we turned in last week. I did alright, but I was extremely pissed after comparing my grade with a peer that I helped out. His score was significantly better than mine, yet I helped him finish his the day it was turned in. It was due on Friday, but he thought it was due Monday so he came to school with slightly less than half of it complete. After I reminded him it was due that day, he freaked out so I offered to help with all of the problems he did not understand. Apparently, I communicate better orally than in writing.

When I finished at school I went to the store to stock up on different vitamins. As I walked in, it hit me that I was actually chasing the lows and running from the highs. My day wasn't so bad, I was just building it up to be that way. In some sick, twisted way I was making my day worse on purpose. As I walked through the aisles, I realized that it was not the first time that I've chased down the lows. I've done it before, but why? How could I think that I could make myself feel better by making myself feel bad? I hate to say this, but maybe it's a...female thing? My dad always calls it "feeling sorry for myself". He's right. That was what I was doing, but still, why does that make me feel [faux] good? After making myself feel low for most of the day, I decided to finally book my flight home for winter break.

My hypothesis: maybe I make myself feel low so that when I finally knock myself out of it, I feel much better about the things that I thought were crappy in my life prior. Example: I was holding off booking my flight home for winter break because I am having monetary issues. I was unnecessarily stressing myself out by avoiding the issue. After my bought of "Sorryness" yesterday, I finally came to terms with the fact that I needed help with my situation. This morning I woke up feeling boatloads better and as I got out of bed I knew that today was going to be a better day. So far, it has been better. I made a delicious turkey sandwich for lunch today and everyone knows [except for my roomies] how wonderful a delicious turkey sandwich can be. Oh, and I also picked up a student for tutoring. We are starting tomorrow, which means...I can pick up some groceries tomorrow! Yay, I don't have to eat spaghetti for the rest of the week!